May 25th, 2005

Some people think Shaquille O'Neal will make a great undercover police officer. I'm not sure what cover he'll fit under, but Mazda must make something in camouflage.

It's time for the requisite weekly abdominal update!

I know you've all been on the edge of your Pilates balls wondering if I'm as ripped as Usher yet, and the answer is no, not yet. But I think I know why!

I've gotta quit it with the afternoon sugary cereal binges, because they so totally un-do the good work of every sit-up I do. It's just so hard to say no because, like coffee, it's FREE here in the office. And I just discovered Cookie Crisp, and you all KNOW how hard it is to pass up a gratis bowl of that organically bankrupt goodness.

I'm still on the add 25 a day crunch plan, and I'm now up to 450. I think I feel a li'l difference, but so far I look EXACTLY the same. I plan to continue my experiment until I'm up to 1K per day, at which point I will declare the sit-up USELESS if I don't look like She-Ra, Princess of Power.

(1:48 p.m.) Update:
He called! And he was as sweet as punch. And we talked about Wilco--and he brought them up!

(12:23 p.m.) I'm sitting by the phone waiting for Bob Mould to call me--and he's an hour and twenty-three minutes late. I need to get up and do things, like pee. But I know how this goes. The minute I walk away from my phone it has a habit of ringing. (Girls and gays, you KNOW what I'm talking about). Luckily for him, his new album's so good I'll wait all afternoon to ask him about it if I have to.

I'm staring down my coffee, the enemy in this situation. I know if I drink, I'm done--but it's calling out to me: No sleepy! No sleepy!

I down to cups in the morning. I down to cups at night. I down to cups in the afternoon; it makes me feel all right.

Did anyone else see Tom Cruise jump around like a bonobo in heat on Oprah the other day? Did he really think he could prove his heterosexuality by getting down on his knees and Jerry Maguiring about how much he wants to marry a woman he's only known for five minutes? No straight man in his right mind would ever do that! At least not one I'd want to touch with a five-foot cardboard cut-out of Judy Garland. G-A-Y is F-I-N-E, Tom. Cool it there, cowboy. If you're not careful you're gonna choke on your beard.

In related news, are Nick and Jessica really over? That's certainly going to throw chunky peanut butter on my week.